This IS my life.........

I was awoken at 3:38 this morning by the "beep" that goes off on my phone when I get a text. Hmmmmmmm...... I thought to myself in my half sleepy state, "who would be texting me at this hour". I stumble out of bed, rolling over what I realize is Lexi, who must have crawled into bed with me sometime in the middle of the night, hmmmmmmmmm?????, and get my phone. This is what the text says, I just woke up and my belly hurts, text me when you get this.then it really hurts i ask, r u throwing up? Oh, so by now, I know that these text are coming from my 5th grader, Trevor. He is spending the night at a friends house. He continues, I want to cum hom. I try to be sympathetic but its 3:30 in the morning and its one of the coldest nights!! i ask him r u able to go back to sleep. Finally after the texting continues, I put on my coat, boots and tell him I am on my way.
This is My Life.
I am a mom.
We have our routine.
Lexi likes bacon every morning. In fact, it is really the only way she will get out of bed. She only needs about 15 mins. to get ready for school. She likes her sleep.
Trevor likes his frozen waffles, 2 with syrup. He likes to get up early, sometimes does his homework in the morning. Loves to read at night.
These things are predictable and routine. We have recently started family read time. 8:00. TV's, Music off and we all read together. The house is so quiet and its nice.
Both my kids like to spend alone time before bed. Lexi will drag it out as long as she can. I still lay in bed with them, talking about the day or whatever. It is routine. It will break my heart when they are too old for me to "tuck them in" at night.
It has taken US a long time to get a new routine, one that we can now call our own.
Change is hard but we learn from change, I know that.
I was married for 15 years.
This was my family.

I learned a lot about myself in those years. There were good times, hard times, challenging times, and wonderful times. Six of those 15 years I was a parent and 2 of the most amazing things came from that marriage. Trevor and Lexi. Since my divorce, many adjustments have been made for me and my kids, lots of learning and growing, still.

Losing the "family" is still the hardest for me to deal with when grieving the divorce. Grieving the loss of the dreams you had as a family never goes away, for me. Even though we have built a new family- trevor, lexi and I and it is a beautiful family for sure but there will always be a loss, I am not sure that feeling ever really goes away.
Perhaps that is why I have hopes and dreams of new relationship- to make a "new" family. Perhaps I am realizing that maybe that is wanting things too fast. I want to replace that family that I lost. Trevor told me I am not very good at having boyfriends, thanks trevor. Lets remember he is 11. In one of our talks before bed, he suggested I try EHarmony. In fact, he said he would do it with me and his date would just have to wait about 10 years. He is a funny kid.
I think for now, I am realizing, THIS is my life. It IS a great life. This IS my family and it is more than enough. A family is what you make of it.
A family is how you connect with each other. A family is how you support one another. We will always be there for each other.
I will go out on the coldest night of the year and get my kids when they are sick, I will not complain when my kids climb in bed with me in the middle of the night. I am a mother. I am a good mother. I am loved. That is enough.

sidenote:
so, i also work in an environment where i have the opportunity to work with kids who are dealing with family change so i hear from them all the time about how they are coping and dealing with their changes.
last week I asked them what they thought about getting married when they were older?? Most of the kids said, "no way, I'll never get married." Then, this little boy said, " well, maybe I will get married, cuz then I can just sit on the couch with the remote while my wife cooks me dinner and does all the cleaning and working........... It was one the funnier moments in group.......I had to laugh!!!!


Some recent pics.
Trev playing in his first game of the season


Lexi playing at Trev's game

Trev


our family now

“Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious...” Michael Stipe

I feel like its been a while since I really wrote a blog. Lately, it seems like my pictures have told the story.....which is great.
Today, I feel like writing. What am I going to write about........not sure?? Yes, confusion could be the theme.
I used to always say, "confusion is good". I am trying to remember why i used to say that?? Maybe, because clarity only comes after being in the midst of confusion........ I do believe there is a purpose for confusion. Sometimes, I need to really remind myself of this. My natural tendency is to want to always figure everything out, to analyze everything.

My brother had a great quote the other day, he stated this on Facebook, "David thinks maybe if he'd stop thinkin for a minute he could figure some things out." He later talked about finding clarity through meditation. For me, i think if i could stop analyzing/thinking about things and let answers come to me........that could bring me some peace.

I stayed home with Lexi today because she wasn't feeling good and we just spent time together. It was nice. At one point, she said, "mom, can we do some yoga? I think that would help me feel better." So, we did. She didn't last too long......but it felt good to just go through some poses and let my mind slow down.
More yoga and meditation are going to be in my future.

In this world of unknowns, changes, ups and downs and fear......I am learning to be comfortable being confused, or sad....really just being.....
I know and trust that there is a bigger plan that I don't have all the answers to.
I know and trust that for all the times that I may feel confused, sad or afraid, there will be many more moments of laughter, happiness, clarity and love.
This I know.
I am blessed.

Lexi

Trev at his Music Program

Lexi and Kendall ice skating

Embracing Change

It was 12:01 on New Year's Eve, I was at a friends house(Mike and Amy's- pictured with the 2 beautiful Labs) with Jen and Mark and Kate. We were very focused and involved in getting "through" a song on Guitar Hero Word Tour. We had 2 guitars, a drummer and a singer. It was quite the Rockin' NYE.
Anyway, at 12:01 my phone rang, it was Lexi......I could barely hear her. She was with her Dad at her Aunt's house celebrating NYE. When I could finally understand and hear her, she was saying, "Mom, I am so excited, it's 2009, it's 2009. Its a new year, Embrace the CHANGE." She continued to giggle and laugh and was beyond herself with excitement.

(lexi is often found upside down around the house)


What a nice reminder from a 9 year old's perspective.......A new year, EMBRACE the change.
I also got a call from Trev minutes later, in a calmer tone and wishing me a Happy New Year.



Wow, this is a bigger deal for kids than I had thought. Do they really get it?? I had thought they really just wanted to stay up late.
But you know, I think the end of a year and the start of a new year CAN mean something BIG. Its really how you look at it.
Lexi is telling me, yeah.......I am ready and excited- bring on the new year.
Trev is saying, 2009 is going to be good.

I love any opportunity that I can reflect back but more importantly look forward and see that change is good, new beginnings are good, opportunities for fresh starts.

Man, my kids are smart!
Here is to an awesome 2009!

Rockin Band
Mark on drums, Mike and Amy on Guitar and Jen on lead vocals


Julie and Jen

Mark and Kate sharing a laugh at dinner


lexi set this picture up with the self timer, not bad?